Today’s article will be guest written by one of the original 12 Olympians Hephaestus “the blacksmith”.
Hermes brings me news of a new Olympiad. An Olympiad of snow and ice! What a brilliant idea oh mere mortals, this does please me. During my exile from Mount Olympus I myself forged blades of steel out of blocks of metal and strapped them to my feet to glide across the frozen ponds of Lemnos.
I admit it had been some time since I had witnessed an athletic event of such proportion and you small humans have certainly expanded the Olympic format. There is nothing at all wrong with that of course… I see how you roll.
It didn’t take me long to find interest in these new games. The first event I tuned into (I need to thank Apollo for the DVR) was the mens Biathlon… wow! Racing on ski’s, carrying and shooting a high powered rifle?? Not even Zeus himself could have imagined such an awesome combination of elements within a single sport.
This winter Olympics has my attention!
Another event that instantly caught my lame eye was the bobsleigh. A narrow downhill course carved from pure ice. The contestants race against time and throw all caution (and safety) aside to gain the fastest time. The blades of these machines couldn’t be more perfectly crafted (not even by me) to achieve such high speeds. These bobsleigh and luge athletes are true Olympians.
And then the most amazing event of all graced my screen… mens and womens ice hockey. An absolute perfect sport. All the elements of athleticism are there: speed, skill, physical contact, everything you could possible want in a sport (and then some). I immediately pondered forming a scratch team with my fellow gods, we could call ourselves the Dodekatheon’s. I was mesmerized beyond belief as I watched Team USA battle Team Canada in the mens preliminary round. The mortals from the United States outworked their brothers from the north and won the game 5-3. I had never seen such an amazing contest of speed, skill and strength. And the women hockey players were no less skilled! The agility, skill and determination displayed by the womens ice hockey teams was nothing short of breath taking.
Sign me up for more Ice Hockey Zeus!
And just when I thought you mere mortals had completely redeemed yourself in the eyes of the gods the coverage shifted to this…
What in the name of Zeus is that? Are these men? Or are these women? Even Aphrodite would be ashamed at such a feminized “sport”. Lace, flowers, ribbons, bows shouldn’t be a description of garments wore in competition. I appeal to the gods to stop this insanity! And then the sobbing began…. men crying, cat-fighting, and blabbering, like school girls?? What have you mortals become?
Apparently my time has come and gone. As these images would not leave my screen Night after night they repeated. The images burned into my brain scarring the very core of my masculinity. So it’s back to exile for me. If not Mt. Olympus then somewhere, I will find a place. A place where the men are men and the women are women. Oh mere mortals how far off the path you have wondered. You can keep you frilly, fruity, “Olympic games” you cannot force that kind of creepiness down my throat. No matter how many times you call that a sport it will not make a difference. You humans will be lucky if Poseidon or Zeus himself doesn’t smite you for such a display.
The 2010 Winter Olympics: gayest thing ever.
– Hephaestus (my first, and last, blog entry)